i'm not physically beautiful.
if my mom, like every other mother, ever fed me the illusions that i'm the prettiest girl in the whole wide world, they were trampled on by boys in primary school who called me ugly. and that's when i know that the world is indeed kinder to pretty girls. this is a world in which ugliness has no right to be in.
so i've struggled really hard with my own physical appearance. i didn't believe in "inner beauty" (i still don't, to a certain extent) because i didn't know how her kindness and genuineness can make her beautiful. it was just something that only worked for pretty girls.
i know God have deemed me worthwhile and beautiful but it's really hard to apply this knowledge to my emotions. i get scared, insecure and emotional and do things that hurt people, if not myself. it's a constant struggle to believe in this, really very very very hard and at times, i would wonder whether God is really lying. how could He think me beautiful and still love me for all my flaws.
but i'm struggling and one day, i hope i can believe that i am beautiful. when someone says that i'm beautiful, i don't want to roll my eyes and think "yeah, like real." i want to smile genuinely and say graciously, "thank you" because someone has taken the effort to tell me that, doesn't matter whether he/she really means it.
because at least someone has already called me beautiful and He really meant it.